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I miss you kids so much. I think of you so often yet at the same time I try an do everything I can to keep busy to avoid thinkin of you. I started a 2nd job…. I made some new friends who make me laugh an feel great. I can be myself fully which is a new change for me. I’ve become quite used to my own company. I actually prefer now to be alone. It’s calming an no one to impress….

At work I’ve been getting super depressed. I think of you guys and how much you would enjoy my place of work. Dave an busters. You guys would love it an they play music videos all of which make me think of you . Especially when “Middle” by DJ Snake came on because the whole time I was fighting for you guys it’s how I felt.

This blog may be messy and a bit everywhere because that is kind of how my life is. Update on my current life. Going through with charges with your father. . . . its stressful and heart breaking. I feel like its something that has to be done. . . . he has to be held accountable and he denies and lies about the abuse he put me through. I do believe there is some good deep down inside him but he needs major help in digging that deep inside him self and healing and owing up to what he has done. I do know me and him have never been healthy for another with his abusive and controlling ways and my own issues. But this has to be done because at this point I feel like its my life at risk. I really feel like he could snap and intentionally kill me or be hitting me an accidently kill me or how I let him get to me and end up feeling horrible about myself . . . I could end up taking my own life. I never wanted it to get to this point. I always thought he just might change but the truth is after we lost you guys. . . the abuse got far more worse than I could ever imagine !!!! Its a feeling when I’m with him that I never want to feel again. Being unsafe.. . . .  and I didn’t understand it before and as hard as it is for me to admit . . . . it wasn’t safe for you guys to be with me while I kept choosing to deal with Francis and continually put up with his abuse. It wasn’t fair for you guys to feel them same feelings of being unsafe . . . . . worried and terrified to be woken up to a nightmare of being hit or being scared to even go pee. Being scared to be yourself. I realize this is the life which I was giving to you guys and I’m sorry that I did that to you at such a young age. I feel heartbroken because its an end to what I wanted for so many years being with him and having a family, but also heartbreaking because that is no longer what I want at all. In fact I’ve met someone new and will introduce you guys to him in another entry. Its a final close on that chapter and maybe in some ways I was scared that that meant I was also moving on from you guys but I know now that is not the case, you guys will always be apart of me and I will always be apart of you.

On a more positive note. I wish you guys could be with me while I have made an accomplishment. I finally have my own car!!! A car I don’t have to share with a man!! For a man to control or take away from me in anyway! It comes with a whole new sense of freedom. Giovanni and Santiago you would love it! I know we would be driving around listening to EDM. I’m sure you would love it too Yuyu. . . its a bright red dodge charger and I must say I’m proud of myself even tho it is a bitter sweet. I sometimes imagine us in the car together listening to music. I’ve been better at playing music that reminds me of you guys and songs that you really liked. On night drives home from work I cant help but to cry sometimes because I miss you and because I made it out alive. I’m making it out alive. I know one day you guys will come home to me.

Its been too long since I’ve came to my blog to write anything. Its deffinetly too long since Ive seen your beautiful faces. If only you knew what I have been up to the year and a half since I last seen you. You would be disappointed as have many but also proud. I dont even know where to start. LaSabra . . . . wow I wasnt expecting you. Being pregnant with you was wonderful!! in so many ways. You saved me. Thank you. Ill write another post going into more details of my journey while I carried you. So this past year and a half. Ive battled many roads, and hardships. I can now say that I have made it out safely through much of it. The most thing to fight off was/is the urge to be with your father. Francis, as much as Id like to avoid the subject. He is a main component to our story whether id like it or not. You should know that after court. . . . after my rights to you all was terminated. I went with him immediately. It’s a bit of a fog but I dont remember anyone else being there. . . . I went to the trax station and cried in his arms. We cried together. At that time we both knew we was pregnant with LaSabra but we kept it a secret. Having her inside me kept us both on track. I think its with her story to where my after journey of not seeing you guys anymore really starts. So that is where I will begin and know that I havent written not because I dont want to but for other reasons you will see as you get to know the real story of what happend. I love you all so very much!!

Yuri, I love you and miss you. Ive been thinkin about you and your siblings all day. Your birthday is coming up. You will be 8 years old. I cant believe it!! Your such an amazing big sister. Your a strong beautiful girl. So very smart and determined. You deserve the world.

Giovanni. I miss everything about you. I miss you calling me your best friend. Your so handsome and unique. You light up my heart and playing with you is always fun. Seeing you use your imagination is magic to me. I love you.

My little Santito. Santiago D’Amico Lee Edward. I love you. Your too cute 😍. You keep eating my lil fat man n stay tough. Your hair is my favorite.

Amorcito corazon yo tengo tentacion, un beso… 💋 💋 💙 . Sweet baby, with the sweetest smile and sugary sweet dimples. I cant wait to watch your beauty grow!!! And them eyelashes tho!! Your going to be amazing. I know it!

Sakii baby doll….I list you last beacuse Im able to explain things to you. You smart special girl.  Never stop singing. Never stop imagining.