This blog may be messy and a bit everywhere because that is kind of how my life is. Update on my current life. Going through with charges with your father. . . . its stressful and heart breaking. I feel like its something that has to be done. . . . he has to be held accountable and he denies and lies about the abuse he put me through. I do believe there is some good deep down inside him but he needs major help in digging that deep inside him self and healing and owing up to what he has done. I do know me and him have never been healthy for another with his abusive and controlling ways and my own issues. But this has to be done because at this point I feel like its my life at risk. I really feel like he could snap and intentionally kill me or be hitting me an accidently kill me or how I let him get to me and end up feeling horrible about myself . . . I could end up taking my own life. I never wanted it to get to this point. I always thought he just might change but the truth is after we lost you guys. . . the abuse got far more worse than I could ever imagine !!!! Its a feeling when I’m with him that I never want to feel again. Being unsafe.. . . .  and I didn’t understand it before and as hard as it is for me to admit . . . . it wasn’t safe for you guys to be with me while I kept choosing to deal with Francis and continually put up with his abuse. It wasn’t fair for you guys to feel them same feelings of being unsafe . . . . . worried and terrified to be woken up to a nightmare of being hit or being scared to even go pee. Being scared to be yourself. I realize this is the life which I was giving to you guys and I’m sorry that I did that to you at such a young age. I feel heartbroken because its an end to what I wanted for so many years being with him and having a family, but also heartbreaking because that is no longer what I want at all. In fact I’ve met someone new and will introduce you guys to him in another entry. Its a final close on that chapter and maybe in some ways I was scared that that meant I was also moving on from you guys but I know now that is not the case, you guys will always be apart of me and I will always be apart of you.

On a more positive note. I wish you guys could be with me while I have made an accomplishment. I finally have my own car!!! A car I don’t have to share with a man!! For a man to control or take away from me in anyway! It comes with a whole new sense of freedom. Giovanni and Santiago you would love it! I know we would be driving around listening to EDM. I’m sure you would love it too Yuyu. . . its a bright red dodge charger and I must say I’m proud of myself even tho it is a bitter sweet. I sometimes imagine us in the car together listening to music. I’ve been better at playing music that reminds me of you guys and songs that you really liked. On night drives home from work I cant help but to cry sometimes because I miss you and because I made it out alive. I’m making it out alive. I know one day you guys will come home to me.